What Will the iCar be Like? (A Luddite's Perspective): Brainstorm #1

One thing for sure: the iCar will be filled with confusing gadgets that most consumers won't be able to make head or tail out of, including yours truly.

No iCar is still befuddled by her cell phone, a fairly basic model without a camera, and must confer with her 12-year-old whiz kid to help check her messages. She misses her last phone, a StarTAC, profoundly.

She is also rather fond of her vintage bag phone (purchased in the early 1990's), which was not really a cell phone, but something called a "car phone" or "mobile phone" ("mobile" referring to wheels--the early phones couldn't be used without being tethered to an auto's cigarette lighter or even permanently wired to the car). The bag phone came in its own carrying case--a small suitcase, actually--and its handset was the same size as a regular land line handset, complete with the coiled wire that, if one dropped it, the thing acted like a huge spring (Boing Boing--maybe that's why that term has sprung into the cultural consciousness). Phone calls were about $3.00 a minute, and roaming was expensive, each region charging a "out-of-service-area" user fee, often $3.00 or more, so if one were traveling across country, one tended not to call friends to ask "Whassup?" The good news: 911 calls have always been free.

My, how quickly technology changes.

The point here: cell phone companies, for the most part, have built products that can be fully utilized or simply used, depending on the end user's level of technological savvy. Apple and Volkswagen would do well to keep this in mind

So, then, the iCar will have to be the kind of vehicle that both Luddites and techno whizzes (and those falling somewhere in between) will be able to drive without going back to college. The automobile industry is too competitive to ignore a large part of the population, so let's start with that premise, and build No iCar's prototype version of this technological wonder (In future posts, we'll look at future prototypes and their likely high-tech features). So here goes:

• Just like we still hang onto the QWERTY keyboard (although an alphabetical one might, for future generations, be more intuitive), the first generation of iCars will likely retain the steering wheel. Sorry, click and sliders enthusiasts.
• A key-starting option might be available, at least in early models, even if the the user will be required to use an electronic door lock system.
• Apple/VW might very well consider a hybrid model. According to Laptop Magazine's Wishlist, "Taking a page from the new Nissan Mixim concept, the iCar should be an electric vehicle powered by a compact lithium-ion battery. We just hope you won't have to ship your car back to Cupertino to have it replaced." (A topic for No iCar's other blog). For better or worse, gasoline is still king, hence the hybrid configuration. Solar power would be an environmentally-friendly feature; however, No iCar believes that a parallel gas-powered function will still be vitally important, especially for regions that don't get much sun in the winter, such as Washington, Alaska, northern Canada and Europe, etc. Thus, VW (or whatever company Apple partners with) would do well to retrofit their service centers and train their mechanics before releasing the iCar.
• Apple/VW must include a fully manual option button (for when the computer system crashes, and it will); on the fly, this function should kick in automatically. No one should have to reboot his/her car at 65 mph.
• The iCar should have a readily available emergency manual shut-off button (think about the times one's computer gets hung up in an infinite loop and refuses to shut down). Non-scolding error messages, please. Only mischievous children, teens, and morons would push this button just for fun.
• The iCar should be large enough to comfortably accommodate tall and overweight users and Apple's numerous gadgets (see this post); as endearing as the Bug may be, it may not be a good choice for the iCar. An updated and sleek version of the VW Bus might attract both young and older iCar buyers.
• For safety reasons, the iCar's windows should offer a manual wind-down feature on the driver's side (actually, No iCar would argue that all cars should incorporate this feature).
• The dashboard will feature an Apple TV screen (standard equipment) and sound system that will be connected to all iCar systems via an iMac; all system info will be available via voice queries and the answer would be delivered both via voice and screen.
• Emergency information (low oil, gas, overheating engine, etc.) will automatically display on screen and sound a warning via voice.
• Of course, the iCar will feature wireless capabilities for their own gadgets: iPods, iPhones, additional iMacs, additional Apple TVs. For those without these gadgets, Apple and VW would offer them as optional equipment at dealer prices. For families with infants or babies, Apple and Volkswagen, would offer, as an add-on, a fully-loaded car seat, complete with baby's own TV and iPod system.
• The iCar, as standard features, will probably feature Apple's version of OnStar, Google Maps, GPS.
• The iCar would feature a safe passive seat belt system, preferably developing an H- configured belt that would not cut into one's neck. (No iCar contends that most people who disable the shoulder function do so because of the annoying neck problem.) The companies would offer another option: over-sized seat belts for tall and overweight users.
• Please! Adjustable cup/bottle holders, both in the front and back seats, especially for the U.S. market. Lots of 'em! America is the home of the "go" cup.
• The iCar will come in three models: standard, mid-level, and luxury. A custom-luxury option would also be available.
• The standard model would offer standard features, such as air, power steering and brakes the dashboard iMac computer and screen with full wireless integration for other Apple gadgets. The iMac Computer system would have to be a hallmark of the iCar; otherwise, it's just a car. The seats would be cloth-covered , come in basic beige, gray, and dark blue, and be less padded, although their adjustment feature would still be computerized. body paint options: navy blue, red, black, gray, and green.
• The mid-level iCar would add better and more padded cloth seats in more colors and back seat heat and air conditioning vents. Also more choice of body paint, including some metallics.
• The luxury model would include leather seats with built in warmers, all technology offered by Apple and VW, a wide range car body colors and metallics.
• The luxury-custom model would be whatever the customer would want and be priced accordingly.

It is likely that No iCar has missed something. If there are any readers out there and you have some more ideas, please email No iCar, or use the comment feature.

While No iCar did not exactly welcome the news of a possible iCar, she may slowly come around, IF Apple and Volkswagen develop an iCar without significant bugs and develop a model that is user-friendly for those who arrived to the technological age, kicking and screaming.

She may slowly morph into "Maybe iCar" (she will save her iCar rants for her other blog); for now, she's an iCar realist and will sign her posts here as "Miss iCar."

Miss iCar

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(Disclaimer: The "FAQ" contained in this post is based on supposition, not fact. The Apple/VW iCar does not exist and may never exist. This blogger is not a disgruntled/unhappy employee or former employee of Apple or Volkswagen , nor does she own any Apple products. She has nothing to do whatsoever with either of these companies. "No iCar"/"Miss iCar" is simply an ordinary person with Luddite tendencies who is both fascinated and repelled by the idea of an iCar.)